Saturday, 22 April 2017

Today Is Honesty Day

Foreword:  If you're a liar, then please don't read the following information.

"Come on in!  The water's perfectly safe!"
According to a poll conducted by the London Science Museum, the most common lie told by men is...

'I didn't drink that much'

...and the most common lie told by women is...

'I'm fine. Nothing's wrong.'

Today is officially Honesty Day* so hopefully today there won't be any lies told.  However, here's an account of a falsity themed incident which happened when I travelling on a tour in Africa several years ago.

* Or is it?**

** Update: Actually, it's next week.  Never trust anything you read on the internet!  Apart from on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog of course, where I always own up to my bluffery.

The tour had taken us to the Ssese Islands*** in Uganda, and on one swelteringly hot day, several of us wanted to go for a swim to cool off.  However, the water by the shore was filled with reeds, and the tour guide had warned us that the presence of reeds could potentially mean a possible risk of catching bilharzia.

*** That's not a spelling mistake.  That is actually how you spell it.

For anyone who isn't an expert on horrible tropical diseases, bilharzia is a chronic disease caused by parasitic worms released from infected snails.  I'm no expert, but my non-expert advice would be 'try not to catch it'.

Saturday, 15 April 2017

The Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction

There's a famous saying, "The truth is stranger than fiction," and my own experience would agree with this.  On a number of occasions I've encountered strange conversations and events in real life which would seem ridiculous if an author had included them in a fictional story.

Here are a few of those conversations and to make things a bit more challenging, I've made it into a quiz.  See if you can guess what actually happened in each of the following situations...

"Please note, customers will be charged extra if we get your order wrong."

1) Curry Confusion

While on holiday one year, I went to a restaurant and ordered a chicken curry.  However, unfortunately they messed my order up and mistakenly brought me a prawn curry.

Can you guess what the waitress said when I mentioned this error?

a) "I do apologise. I'll get your correct order brought out straight away."
b) "I do apologise. As a token of apology we'll knock twenty percent off the bill."
c) "Oh, well the prawn curry is more expensive, so do you mind paying a bit extra?"

Saturday, 8 April 2017

April Fools' Day Pranks (2017 Edition)

It's that time of year where I round up a selection of some of the April Fools' Day jokes that were found on the internet to celebrate April Fool's Day last week.

1) Russian hacking services

The award for the most unexpected April Fool's Day prank had to go to the Russian Foreign Ministry who posted their apparently updated answering machine message on their facebook page. The message advises callers:

"You have reached the Russian embassy. Your call is very important to us. To arrange a call from a Russian diplomat to your political opponents, press 1. To use the services of Russian hackers, press 2. To request election interference press 3 and wait until the next election campaign."

For legal purposes, they add:

"Please note that all calls are recorded for quality improvement and training purposes."

You can listen to the prank answering machine message below:

Saturday, 1 April 2017

Silly Job Titles (Part 3)

"Would you like me to facilitate ketchup
on your mobile sustenance?"
I've mentioned before on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog that modern society seems to have an increasing obsession for replacing straight forward traditional job titles with fancy long-winded descriptions.

I was reminded of this the other morning when I noticed a van parked outside our neighbours' house with the slogan...

'Height Safety Solutions'

Or in other words...


On the face of it, 'height safety solutions' would seem a logical, if unnecessarily wordy, way to describe scaffolding.  However, surely the safest way to achieve height safety is to stay on the ground!

Anyway, once again it's time for another quiz based on confusing job titles, so see if you can guess what jobs the following list of jargon actually refers to.  To start you off, the first job title may be familiar*...

Saturday, 25 March 2017

'Many Volcanoes Erupt. Moldy Jam Sandwiches, Unusually Niffy. Phew!' And Other Mnemonics.

The planet dwarf planet Pluto.
Photo courtesy of
Last week I promised to explain what 'mnemonic' means, and any non-word nerds will most likely be disappointed to hear that I'm keeping that promise!

A mnemonic is actually a memory device or technique which helps you remember information.  For example...

'Many Volcanoes Erupt. Moldy Jam Sandwiches, Unusually Niffy, Phew!' a mnemonic I learnt at school to help remember the order of the planets. The first letter of each word corresponds to the first letter of each of the planets, namely...

'Mercury Venus Earth Mars Jupiter Saturn Uranus Neptune Pluto.'

Saturday, 18 March 2017

An Alternative Phonetic Alphabet

As a Geordie, when I speak to people on the phone they often confuse my 'A's with my 'E's, so when spelling words verbally I often have to use the phonetic alphabet.  The offical phonetic alphabet is very formal and efficient, but it's also quite boring, so just to confuse people, it's fun to use alternative words that sound like letters themselves, and say things like...

E for Eye  (E for I)
Y for You  (Y for U)
S for See  (S for C)
A for Aye  (A for I)
E for Ewe  (E for U)

It's also fun to confuse people altogether with silent letters and unusual pronunciations such as...

P for Pterodactyl
K for Knowledge
W for Wrinkle
P for Phonetic
G for Gnome

Here's an alternative phonetic alphabet (featuring misleadingly pronounced words) that me and a few work colleagues came up with during one of our breaks (and definitely not when we were supposed to be working).

Saturday, 11 March 2017

Bread Bun, Bap, Cob, Scone, Roll, Barm Or Muffin?

Controversial questions: The bread debate.

On the Charles Fudgemuffin blog we're not afraid to tackle controversial issues, and so this week I take a look at a question which has divided many people and produced a variety of opinions.

It's a straight forward but controversial question.  Take a look at the following photo and then answer a simple poll...  What is it?

Bun, bap, cob, scone, roll, barm or muffin?

About The Author

The 'How To Save The World' books
by Charles Fudgemuffin
Charles Fudgemuffin is the author of the alien comedy 'How To Save The World' books which are available for Kindle from Amazon.  The first book in the series is available from the following link:
How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy

As with all Kindle books, you can also download a free sample of the first few chapters.

Please note, the 'How To Save The World' books contain material suitable for ages 18+ and are not recommended for prudes or squares.