Quite some time ago on the Charles Fudgemuffin blog I wrote about how some children's stories are inappropriately scary. This week I follow a similar theme as I take a look at some of the peculiarities found in nursery rhymes.

A cockle shell, as 'grown' by Mary in her garden.

1) Mary Mary

Let's start with Mary Mary....

"Mary Mary quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockle shells
And pretty maids all in a row."

Now I'm not much of a horticulturist, but I'm pretty sure Mary's a big fat liar.

Her garden grows with 'silver bells' and 'cockle shells'?  Really?  You're growing bells and shells, Mary, are you?  And just how did you manage that?  Even more impressive, you're growing pretty maids?

If Mary was some sort of evil genetic scientist from a sci-fi horror story, then maybe, but as a gardener in a nursery rhyme, I'm sorry but I'm going to call Mary's claims a big fat lie.

2) Peter Piper

Pickled peppers. As picked by Peter Piper.

Strictly speaking, I suppose you would call Peter Piper a tongue twister rather than a nursery rhyme, but whatever you call it, I'm sad to report that Peter is sadly as lacking in integrity as Mary is. Which is just a fancy way of saying that Peter is another big fat liar!

Let's examine the evidence...

'Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers'.

Peter picked pickled peppers, did he? Pickled peppers? And they were just growing there already pre-pickled, were they, Peter?

Sorry, Peter, I'm not buying it.

Charles Fudgemuffin rates this one "Liar! Liar! Pants on fire!"

3) Humpty Dumpty

"Alas, poor Humpty. I knew him so well..."

Unfortunately for Humpty Dumpty, he dies before the end of the second sentence, so we don't really get a chance to assess whether Humpty is as dishonest as Mary and Peter.

However, other than Humpty's unfortunate death, things start off reasonable enough...

"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall."

Admittedly, it's hardly Shakespeare, but that's okay because it's a nursery rhyme aimed at kids, so it's fine so far. However, this is the next line...

"All the king's horses and all the king's men,
Couldn't put Humpty together again."

All the king's horses were unable to reassemble an egg? Did that really need to be specified?

You mean to say that a troop of horses were unable to reassemble a broken egg. Well I never! I never would have guessed that horses would be unable to perform such a task! Thanks for pointing that out!

4) Simple Simon

A pie. A caption probably wasn't necessary, but I thought I'd caption the photo anyway, just in case Simon happens to be reading this.

Next up is the nursery rhyme Simple Simon, which is perhaps a bit risky in these politically correct days...

"Simple Simon met a Pieman,
Going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?"

I'm no detective, but I'm nevertheless going to stick my neck out and say that what the Pieman had there ... was pies!

That would be my guess. Pies, Simon. That's what a Pieman has. Pies. The clue is in the name.

I think it's fair to say that Simple Simon lived up to his name.

5) She sells sea-shells by the sea-shore.

For sale. Or alternatively, just pick them up for free! Or better still, leave them on the beach so that other people can also enjoy nature, and also so crabs can use them and stuff.

This next nursery rhyme is about a lady with, without being rude, not the greatest business skills the world has ever seen...

"She sells sea-shells on the sea-shore.
The shells she sells are sea-shells, I'm sure."

Whoever 'she' is, if she was a contestant on Dragon's Den, I definitely wouldn't be investing.

I mean of all places to sell sea shells, surely by the sea shore is the worst possible location! Her potential customers could just pick up shells for free!

Here's another nursery rhyme which I wrote about people with a similar lack of basic business skills. I call it "For that reason, I'm out."

"He sells sand, on the beach.
He sells grass, in the field.
He sells leaves, underneath the tree in autumn."

Admittedly, it's unlikely to win the Man Booker Award, but it was more intended to illustrate the stupidity of the shell-seller from the original nursery rhyme, rather than stand as a work of literature in its own right.

6) My son John

I don't know who this is but it's certainly not John, because they're wearing both shoes. And also their trousers are still on.

Finally, there's nothing specifically noteworthy about this last nursery rhyme, but when you read the words it illustrates that most nursery rhyme writers are officially one sandwich short of a picnic.

"Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John
Went to bed with his trousers on.
One shoe off, and the other shoe on.
Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John."

Perhaps I'm wrong and the author has actually hidden a clever subtext in the nursery rhyme where they make a poignant social commentary on society today. However, I think it's more likely that the author was just a few cards short of a full deck.

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In addition to writing about nursery rhymes, Charles Fudgemuffin has also written a number of books and short stories, including 'Burn The Witch'.




If you want to read about more silly nursery rhymes then I'm afraid you're out of luck because this is my first blog post on nursery rhymes. However, I did once write a blog post about scary children's stories, and you can find it at the link below:
Scary kids' stories